the brooding artist. / by Sarah Kakusho

Lately, I've been at war between my priorities, creativity, sanity.  My realities have clashed with my world of creativity, a world where I stood third-person to all the things around me.  The social state of being in my twenties have proven to be difficult for me in upholding my detachment from society, something I was able to keep in check all during my post-pubescent life.  After a time of hiatus and tasting what it meant to have a social life, it's hard to return to that state of detachment, that inner peace and motivation to create outside of the box from that comes from the heart.  

I dropped out of that scene and got comfortable with reality.  But, being far more exposed to the realities around me, I've never felt so insecure and alone, so uncomfortable, even though I'm surrounded by many people.

So I let my alter-ego cover me, whom I'll lovingly call "Q".  She keeps reality busy while I go search for myself again, my lost and distant self.  She keeps the day job going and the logistics of my life running, keeping it real and raw, while I search for my creativity.  However, my alter-ego is a badass, and prefer to let reality crash into me.

At times, I find myself so motivated to write, compose, film, and yet the realities hold me back.  

I'm stuck.  

I'm stuck, and it hurts.  An emotional hurt that comes from being unable to express what needs to come out, unable to tap into myself to accomplish the things that I want to get done to free myself from loneliness.  And so I remain a wallflower.  I remain nameless.  I remain insignificant.  I remain alone, unable to unlock the key to my own heart.

As the brooding artist cliche,
-- Musings of an Aspiring FIlmmaker