Battling Against Myself / by Sarah Kakusho

 

I guess I wouldn’t feel so suppressed
If I weren’t so depressed
Feeling sick of myself
Hating myself
Wanting to get rid of myself
If there was a certain emptiness
That somehow led my mind to believe in this
Then why isn’t social reality some construct
To defeat my returning loneliness
When voluntary isolation is all I know
Sadness and anger I refuse to show
And the lending hand I just suddenly let go

Why? Tell me…

 

Why do I run away from it all
Even though I can already feel myself fall
The world screams at me
Questions me, belittles me
Demands of me of answers that I just don’t see

 

And so I question the purpose of my being, why I’m here, why I do what I do,
All the while I’m mindlessly doing what my responsibilities tell me to do
My life lacks something, something so deep within that I cannot pinpoint
It lacks purpose, direction, a path that leads from now to that dreadful endpoint
Where’s the motivation, the drive, the fire that kept me running
Did it burn out or was it all just lies and excuses dictating
Every bone, every muscle, every blood flow of my body
Shackled in routine, as I unconsciously obey all the orders that are given to me
I try to leave, but something holds me back, holds me close,
Embracing me, convincing me as if I didn’t have a choice
I’m so stuck. At a standstill, pondering away, wasting my time
Questioning the steps I’ve taken and where to step from here, while in the meantime
Friends and family, and the world the pass me by
As if there is no reason to question “Why?”