Crash // Burn / by Sarah Kakusho

It's raining. Drizzling. Misting, leaving droplets to trickle down my window. It reminds me of a time when I stood out in the rain, waiting at the bus stop at 6AM in the morning. Then, rain was but an invisible thing, only visible in the glow of the street light. People waited in their parents' cars for the late bus to come. I stood alone, leaning against the stop sign that proudly upheld our street name. It was around the same time of year as today, late February. It was cold. Trickles of rain slid down my arm like a familiar cool blade, searching for some direction.

It's still raining and time stands still. Hah. Wish that were true.

The world screams at me, begging for every breath of my life for its disposal. Loud...demanding... One meeting today, two tomorrow, class before that, work afterwards. I want it to stop. Stop everything. Make it stop, because my head spins out of control. Where am I going? What am I doing? When will it end? Time is so cruel; it slows when we need to move on and it hastens when we want to enjoy the ride. Just stop, I want to scream, Stop.

But still, I reply to the world with all I can, meeting after meeting, job after job, practice after practice, class after class, because everyone is in the same position. And so I smile to not burden anyone but myself with the struggle I'm in. But smiling as if everything were okay is tiring, much more than all that I do. Unable to express that I need people... Unable to reach out... Unable to call out for any help. It's tiring...

But as if my body is on auto-pilot, it goes through the motions of life, my thoughts and struggles quietly tucked away in the back of my mind. And I smile. "Everything's good. And you?" "It's a little stressful, but I'm good." "Nothing much." Lies... Nothing, but lies. Make it stop...

Make it stop.