It’s recently come to my realization that life’s greatest lessons, no matter how much you’re taught about them or how much you anticipate them, you’ll never know the true meaning of them until you experience them yourselves. The moment you experience something epic, something intrinsically within you clicks.
I spent half of my life being told how I arrogant I was or how big of an ego/pride that hold and I never really realized how just how much I was arrogant/egotistical/overly-proud until I saw what I was doing to myself because of my arrogance. I was closing myself out of this world and waiting out my study abroad till the end so I could go home. Now, 23 days before I leave for home, I’ve never felt so unprepared to leave. It really hit me. And I think I was lucky enough to realize this while I’m still here in Argentina.
However, this is nothing new. I’m just slow to realize things that affect me as such. My mind is always…elsewhere.
I think despite having studied in at a film school this semester, it was too theoretical beyond comprehension. I’m sure I failed one of them already. But, there’s nothing that can stop me from moving toward my goals in life. Of course, I’m upset that my grades didn’t turn out the way I wanted, but I’m not going to let it hinder my path toward my mission in life.
I’ve also realized here just how much music is a part of my life. The absence of being able to just walk into a room with a piano and play has left me incomplete. I thought film would be enough to fulfill my life, but more recently I found myself humming new tunes and writing lyrics. Over this summer I had teetered between movie-making and music composing. I didn’t know which to choose and I had a really hard time deciding which I should devote more time to. But, as Nona had told me through a phone call at 1am in the morning [a true friend], if I enjoy doing both, I should just do both and not worry about it.
This was definitely a reply to all my efforts in my life of literal creativity.
However, a little of that hole filled itself when I presented my movie. It was the first time I was able to show a completed filmic work in front of a people solely for its purpose. It was completely stand alone and didn’t have to compliment a paper or a study. And, it was also in front of my 4 COPA professors that specialize in film critique. It was received pretty positively, I would say, though I have to say I like everyone else’s movie more than mine. For the amount of time it took to put it together, it’s okay, but I know it could be better.
“A creative artist works on his next composition because he was not satisfied with his previous one.” – Dimitri Shotakovich
If I had more time in Buenos Aires, I want to remake it using all the comments that I got to make it better. Oh, how I wish I could just do that.
On a different note, it’s interesting how you can look back and find support from the things you’ve done in the past. As Kuru Kuru Team, we wrote a song for Student Festival earlier this year, and listening to the song and taking in the lyrics made me realize just how much wisdom I had before I came on study abroad, how much I needed to keep aiming higher and making determinations to live each moment of every day. I found it interesting that I was able to find comfort in something I created months before without anticipating that’d I’d look back on it now thinking about it.
I don’t have much more to say after all that, but SMILE. Even the shittiest day can change if you just smile. For some reason, it has the ability to make you feel much better, and it has even a greater capacity to make other’s happy also.
As I’ve said at the start of this entry, life’s greatest lessons don’t click until you truly experience them. Up until that point you can only trust that what people will tell you about their experiences is what it will be when it happens to you. There will be moments when you think you understand, but there will moments after that that’ll get you closer to that understanding. Life itself is a learning process. I thought I had been living a life of creativity, but only in the most literal sense. I only realize now that I’m beginning to live a creative life on the most fundamental level as well.
Damn, last day of November, first final tomorrow. Gya!
“There is no one lonelier or more unhappy than a person who does not know the pure joy of creating a life for himself or herself. To be human is not merely to stand erect and manifest intelligence or knowledge. To be human in the full sense of the word is to lead a creative life.
“The struggle to create new life from within is a truly wonderful thing. There is found the brilliant wisdom that guides and directs the workings of reason; the light of insight that penetrates the farthest reaches of the universe; the undaunted will to see justice done that meets and challenges all the assaults of evil; the spirit of unbounded care that embraces all who suffer. When these are fused with that energy of compassion that pours forth from the deepest sources of cosmic life, an ecstatic rhythm arises to color the lives of all people.” – Buddhism Day by Day, November 24.
End – Week 19: The Final Forefront