Dear Friends // Tomo yo // Querida mis amigos / by Sarah Kakusho

My realities are like recurring nightmares, dreams that I cannot shake off.  Dear friends, I will be honest, but the reality of my state right now is that I'm beginning to forget.  Faces and names are still there, but as I sink lower and lower as I have been un-rooted from my safe haven, memories of us fall short.  I hit rock bottom.  I see bits and pieces drifting downward past me like silent snow each hiding a secret.  And as soon as I reach for them, they melt into droplets and slip through my fingers. 

In an attempt to save myself, I watch the snow gather around me and slowly melt away.  In the midst of white piles I see people.  I begin to ask myself as I stare at these empty faces, what were these people to me, and what was I to them?  There's a void in my mind, something was there.  But what was it?  I beg myself to remember, remember these sweet things that I knew that were once there.  I need the essence in which my life had sprouted from.  Without it, I'll wither away.

Where have all the pretty things gone that put my heart at ease, where close bonds and the breath of life released my insecurities?  My roots are coming loose and I can feel my life being sucked into the whirlwinds of the past, the bleak past I had once painted and lived.  It's cold and dark, there's no way I will survive, but I see no way to escape.  The snow is gone, and I wait for warmth, watching my breath appear and disappear.  Winter should've past, where's spring?  Where is the rejuvenating light?

Wait.  Could it be?  Had I been dreaming up these faces, these memories that I had seen falling?  Could this dark picture I had painted be my true reality?  "Will the sun ever show?  Will the light ever peek through the clouds again?  Will I ever reach the people I had seen and make a connection again?" I scream these words out to the world that sees nothing but grey.  

So lonely, I feel.  Such a familiar feeling.  Even around people I was comfortable with, I still felt lonely.  Ug!  My heart.  I feel it throbbing, working hard to keep my hopeless self alive.  My warmth is escaping.  All that I had is being taken away.  My heart… I can feel it harden.  Icicles irritate my insides, and the world freezes my outsides.  I cry out to the world hoping for a single soul to lend me a hand, to help me get back on my feet, to help me get through this.

No one. 

If I had any chance of hoping, it would be this:

Dear friends of my dream world.  I've lost.  I've lost to everything that is me, because of who I was.  No one needs a useless person like as me.  If there is any good in this world, dear friends, don't let this befall on someone else.