Everyday, I fight a war
A battle between myself and a better me
I stand locked
Behind a mask that shields emotion
In this arena of fallen words n' lost promises
In the day I stand firm,
By night, I fall
You wear a mask for so long
You forget who you were behind it
And amid this battlefield
I can only stand alone
Can't help but combine the lyrical nature of piano/strings and the power of heavy metal drumming. A reflection of a clash-on-loop that seems to be at the very root of my existence.
It's been three days since I started my loosely planned, yet less than spontaneous trip to Taiwan. As with the other countries I have travelled to, Taiwan has some things I've yet to experience. One of which mentioning is the abundance of scooters on the road. Just today, on the way to the Taitung station there was a parking lot dedicated to just scooters and for cars, probably only a quarter of that.
Visiting Green Island and staying in a very interesting and slightly unconventional guesthouse, I was able to get a hold of one of these infamous scooters and experience riding them around the 18km road around the island. One day, I would like to get one myself and ride around in it... if I ever decided to live in Asia, that is.
Perhaps, one of the more obvious wow moments I've had was the food. Now, we all know and have probably come to love the American Chinese food. Walking around the Shilin Night Market a couple of nights ago, I was able to see a range of food out for sale, from eye-catching goodness to possible PETA-enraging goodness. Hanging roasted ducks are one example. In the small villages on Green Island, some restaurants keep their deer out in front of their restaurants. Oh deer, oh dear. Another note on food, one cannot escape the smell of stinky tofu and msg. Mmmmmmmm...
The climate here is no joke. If I were to compare it to anywhere I've been to before, I would say it would come closest to Florida weather: humid and hot, with spontaneous wars between minutes of rain and sunshine. Walking around Taipei in this weather definitely serves as a great challenge to anyone who's used to everyday good weather, like in sunny Orange County. It was definitely a great reminder of my childhood summers.
But might I say, the view, especially on Green Island, is a spectacle during anytime of the day. Every moment is a picture moment.
Differences aside, public bathrooms still are traumatizing, especially if you're coming from experiencing bathrooms in Japan where you know they are well-stocked and clean. I could right a whole entry on this, but I'll spare the details.
Spending my first three days getting a taste of Taipei and then going up to the campus of Chinese Cultural University to see the night lights of the city, to taking the 5-hour train to Taitung, to getting on a ferry to Green Island and back, I'm now waiting to board the overnight train back to the city, where more adventure awaits. Let's see how far not knowing Chinese will get me.
Till then, zaijian!
- musings of an aspiring filmmaker
Lately, I've been at war between my priorities, creativity, sanity. My realities have clashed with my world of creativity, a world where I stood third-person to all the things around me. The social state of being in my twenties have proven to be difficult for me in upholding my detachment from society, something I was able to keep in check all during my post-pubescent life. After a time of hiatus and tasting what it meant to have a social life, it's hard to return to that state of detachment, that inner peace and motivation to create outside of the box from that comes from the heart.
I dropped out of that scene and got comfortable with reality. But, being far more exposed to the realities around me, I've never felt so insecure and alone, so uncomfortable, even though I'm surrounded by many people.
So I let my alter-ego cover me, whom I'll lovingly call "Q". She keeps reality busy while I go search for myself again, my lost and distant self. She keeps the day job going and the logistics of my life running, keeping it real and raw, while I search for my creativity. However, my alter-ego is a badass, and prefer to let reality crash into me.
At times, I find myself so motivated to write, compose, film, and yet the realities hold me back.
I'm stuck, and it hurts. An emotional hurt that comes from being unable to express what needs to come out, unable to tap into myself to accomplish the things that I want to get done to free myself from loneliness. And so I remain a wallflower. I remain nameless. I remain insignificant. I remain alone, unable to unlock the key to my own heart.
As the brooding artist cliche,
-- Musings of an Aspiring FIlmmaker
“Cosmos Family” I’ve spent one year composing music without a piano, but finally I can compose in peace. v=_=v yay
WORK IN PROGRESS
how movies can reveal the true nature of human beings.
[2011.06.20] 風になる（コスモス寮祭リハーサル）— Kaze ni Naru (Cosmos Festival rehearsal)
Found this while cleaning out my computer. Listening to this reminds me of the hot… humid… good ole summer days, when I left my room window open for all the world to hear our practice. DX lol
“For each of us eventually whether we are ready or not, someday it will come to an end.
There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, hours, or days. All the things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten, will pass to someone else. Your wealth, fame and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance; it will not matter what you owned or owed. Your grudges, resentments, frustrations and jealousies will finally disappear. So, too, your hopes, ambitions, plans and to-do lists will expire.
The wins and losses that once seemed so important will fade away. It won’t matter where you came from or on what side of the tracks you lived at the end. It won’t matter if you were beautiful or brilliant. Even your gender and skin color will be irrelevant.
So what will matter?
How will the value of your days be measured?
What will matter is not what you bought, but what you built. Not what you got, but what you gave.
What will matter is not your success, but your significance.
What will matter is not what you learned, but what you taught.
What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage, or sacrifice that enriched, empowered, or encouraged others to emulate your example.
What will matter is not your competence, but your character.
What will matter is not how many people you knew, but how many will feel a lasting loss when you are gone.
What will matter is not your memories, but the memories that live in those who loved you.
A life lived that matters, is not of circumstance, but of choice.”
— A Beautiful Truth, a docmentary on a cross-country road trip to investigate The Gerson Therapy
As I’m compiling all of my musical pieces and compositions into one folder on my desktop for the CD I’m putting together for archiving early next year, the current number I have is 30 completed pieces. I have about 10 more in the making/remastering. Wow. November is here. I still have two months before 2012 to complete all outlying projects, so that I can redo my site and all that good stuff for 10 Years of KshKnxnStudio. w00t w00t
Nearly 10 Years Ago — ほぼ10年前のこと
While cleaning out my computer, I found this recording of a gig I did as a band at one of the tri-area meetings at the Florida Nature and Culture Center (FNCC). We played a song called “Peace Forever” in front of an audience of nearly 1000 people. I wasn’t the best of players, but when we played together we played with heart and that’s all that we had going for us. The biggest thrill of my life.
Guitar & Vocal: TK — Bass: Kurt — Drums: Kana — Keyboard: Kusho — Violin: Erica — Viola: Jade — Flute: Jenna
My mind is tired of thinking, so much so it’s burning a hole through my head. I don’t know what language comes out of my mouth anymore… As a result, it’s been difficult trying to get anything done on the creativity scope of my life. Life in Japan has become far greater than my expectations. Being in a new environment is refreshing, but along with that comes the stress of having to adapt to a different language. And the mere stress of constantly thinking about how to say what I want to express next keeps my head working far more than it has ever done (even after studying in Argentina).
In moments like these, I sometimes wonder to myself what I’m doing here. For what reason am I here, putting myself through this? And it’s moments like these, I tell myself to look back on my purpose, my foundation. And it’s at this very moment, as I’m compelled to look at my statement of purpose for Bekka to fix myself of this unnecessary stress, that I grow fearful. Will I still believe that this is my purpose? Will I still be as passionate as I was when I wrote out my purpose for being here?
2 months of living here and talking with the people who attend SUJ, my mind has been working out other agendas for the future in my head. And still I feel unable to seek out the very purpose that brought me here, leaving a growing, gaping hole in my head. And until I overcome this, nothing may come of me. The question I must ask myself this very moment:
How badly do I want to achieve it?
- Musings of an Aspiring Filmmaker
Although nothing has begun, although nothing has happened, my mind remains heavy. A month’s worth of rest and relaxation has left me unproductive in any serious film endeavor and filled with all too many worries for the upcoming school year. Japan has somehow left me estranged from everyone around me and moreover from myself. I’m suddenly unsure of all my words and actions and no longer do I feel myself. Who the fuck am I.
Without a sense of self, I cannot create what I want to create. I can no longer express what I want to express. I can no longer feel what I want to feel. Though clear with purpose, there’s a block in my mind that keeps me from advancing. I can’t help but feel stuck and so alone, even though there are many people around. I only hope my smiles and laughter will hold out as long as it takes to get my act together. Classes begin in a week. I need to fix myself.
“If they want to make films, they have to do it on their own. No one is going to help for the time being.” /
let’s do this no-budget style. being in Japan at this time will not stop me from making my film. guaranteed.
“People want to see stories with hope. Filmmakers need to sit closer to the audience now.”
A week in Japan, getting accustomed to the lifestyle here has been an interesting adventure so far. There is a culture outside of what is portrayed in Japan’s entertainment industry. Every adventure begins with a starting point, and I guess mine would start around this time last year. The following is an experience I shared at my last Rock the Era meeting, a very abridged version of how my story in Japan begins. Love to everyone back home.
Less than 12 hours before my departure, it’s hard to believe how fast life after SUA, or rather, life after years of receiving formal education in institutions is. I guess I would be inclined to feel that way; 16 (17, if you include kindergarten) years of education, every few years changing the environment here and there, would make us yearn the life we dubbed the “real world.”
Life after graduation instantly became a faith-based summer, while spending 9 months as a working class citizen, working an 8-hour day plus added overtime on nights and weekends. Both these self-identifying events in my life truly shifted my perspective to see the things I value: 1) Efficiency, 2) Ingenuity, 3) Patience, 4) Compassion, 5) Justice… and so on. Details aside, there’s still so much to learn.
In the midst of all of this uncertainty in the world, learning is the one thing I can do to help benefit the future. To learn what suffering is, to learn what joy is, to learn what I can do for someone, to learn what it means to touch someone’s heart. These are the things we said we couldn’t learn in school because some things just can’t be taught. But, it’s these things we come across that we find we yearn the most and it isn’t until we KNOW the “real world” that we can realize them.
Life after SUA came work and now I return to education, more determined than ever to quench my thirst for learning. Maybe during these past 17 years of the 23 years of my existence, I didn’t do enough as a student. Perhaps, I could’ve studied more on that one test, or maybe I shouldn’t have settled for that A- and turned in my homework on time. Maybe I could’ve asked more questions or read into the readings more deeply.
Using these regrets as the stepping stone to fully engage myself as a student again, I finish the short-lived, but equally important chapter I was living and open the book of my life to a new one as I begin life at Bekka. And this time, the “real world” is coming with me.
En route to Japan.
-Musings of an Aspiring Filmmaker